i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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