One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
