You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
