the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
