She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
