either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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