i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
