no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
