you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We don't watch enough power rangers
i've created a new STD.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
