im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
