I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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