I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
