wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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