pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
