the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
