So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
