I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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