o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
