shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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