I bet he comes in French.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
