Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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