I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
