She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
