We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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