I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think my vagina is haunted
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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