i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
