worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
