apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
