If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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