just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
