I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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