Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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