I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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