hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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