I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
