rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
