the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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