i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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