last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
