I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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