Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
