I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
