Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Randomize
