Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
