He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
