my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
