goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
