My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
