So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
