Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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