Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
