just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
